A moment that vividly sticks out to me just happened four days ago. I was at the mall with my friends Cassidy and Cassiddee and we were in Rue21 trying on clothes. Cassidy tried on her clothes first and Cassiddee and I were tasked with telling Cassidy how the clothes looked. Cassidy looked great in every thing she tried on! However, she constantly would say her stomach was too fat for an outfit and when the other Cassiddee tried on her clothes she said the same thing. Honestly they both looked fantastic in their clothes!
Then it was my turn. I only picked out one outfit to try on because I didn't want to disappoint myself. I tried on a grey long sleeved shirt, acid washed denim jeans with the pre-made rips, and a pair of Vans. Before I went out of the room to see what my friends thought, I took a long look in the mirror and started tearing myself apart.
"The shirt is too small. I makes you look fatter than you already are! There is a reason why the rest of the guys in the store look better than you! You're fat! They're not! The store employees didn't even greet you! They know exactly what you know, you're too fat for this store! And those jeans!!! The only thing that needs to be washed in acid around here is you! You'd look way better dead!"
I let out a sigh and left the dressing room. I knew I wasn't going to get anything on me but I still wanted the approval of my friends. They both loved it! Cassidy said that the jeans made my butt look nice and Cassiddee said that the shirt was too loose and I should get it in a size smaller. I managed to let out a smile and thank them for telling me I looked good but as I went back into the dressing room to change into my other clothes all I could think was about how my friends just lied to my face.
The rest of the day went normally for me. We shopped for another hour, I went home, had a panic attack, cried because as much as I try to work out and loose weight, I'll never look the way I want to, I didn't eat that night, and I fell asleep about 8 o'clock feeling worse than I did that morning when I woke up.
I struggle with body image. I struggle to accept myself for me. I have an idealistic way I want to look but whenever I go to the gym I feel like everyone's starring at me. In today's world it seems like everyone is a "pretty person." Some people know how to carry themselves and their confidence makes them pretty, others are just the next male model knock off. When I went to high school I felt like I was the only guy without abs in my class, looking back at my yearbook, I was far from wrong.
We live in a world that has forgotten to see the beauty of a person from the inside. I may not look like Ryan Gosling or Channing Tatum but I've been told by everyone I know I'm extremely funny and have the ability to make anyone laugh when they're sad. But people don't care about that and being a homosexual male I can confidently say it is even worse in the LGBTQ+ community.
When guys give me a chance they tend to find out that I am a really good person to be around and I have the most positive outlook on life and on the world, but they only ever get to see that side of me if they respond to me. In the Pixelated Era we make predetermined judgement on people due to appearance and sadly that can be the difference maker between getting to know someone and swiping left but that's a topic for my next post.
Until Next Time.
Pixelated Era.
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